It was startling to suddenly have a lap full of boy. Butterscotch schnapps flavored kisses with a slight hint of cherry Chap Stick. JC was so startled, not at the fact that he had a boy in his lap, but that it was Justin. For a moment he let himself be kissed, but it was the lick against his lower lip that had him standing, dumping the drunk boy from his now non-existent lap. Immense eyes staring up at him confused and startled.
“You’re drunk Justin”
“I know, but I want”
“You don’t have any idea what you want,” Justin had found his balance enough to stand, one hand draped at JC’s waist, the other grasping at the front of JC’s t-shirt. He nuzzled himself into JC’s neck, raising himself on his toes as he tried to reach for JC’s mouth. JC dodged his mouth and grabbed Justin, spinning him around and pushing him towards Justin’s own bedroom.
“JC, I do know what I want. I want, I want to be like you and the other boys.” At first JC was confused. Then he realized, Justin meant like all the other boys JC had brought to the little apartment.
“Justin, baby boy, you have no idea what that means.” He pushed Justin into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. “No idea. Go to bed.”
“But I…”
“No Justin, I’m not kissing you. I don’t want to kiss you.” The eyes got even bigger and Justin rolled towards the wall. “Go to sleep drunk boy”.
Years later, JC still thought of that moment. Relived the feeling of Justin, squirming in his lap. In his mind, he could stretch it out. All the heat and eagerness in the kiss and the grabbing hands.
That brief interlude could last almost an hour in his mind. He’d imagined a million ways it could have played out. He almost wished he’d talked about it with Justin the next morning. Poor hung over Justin. Pale-faced and quiet, he even skipped breakfast, a quick glance at the fridge, and at JC’s breakfast, and he dashed back to his room for hours. JC figured he didn’t even remember the night before, so why bring it up. He didn’t really think about it again. Not then.
It first came back to mind at Lance’s 21st birthday party. Justin gave Lance a lap dance. Lance had wanted nothing more than a decent lap dance for his birthday and they decided as a joke they would all give him one. Chris was first, humping Lance’s leg and rubbing glitter into his hair while screaming “money” over and over again. Joey managed to knock Lance, the chair and the table over. Justin hesitated after that, and JC went. JC played with a scarf, and managed to get it around Lance’s neck and slither down him, but somehow Lance found the whole thing funny and began giggling. JC laughed it off, but somehow felt affronted. It wasn’t that he wanted Lance, but the thought that his attempts at seduction were laughable was a bit embarrassing.
JC nudged his way to the bar in search of cocktail comfort. It was a private party, well, given the lap dances, it had to be, but private party meant JC could drink the fluffiest, pinkest frothy party cocktail and no one would say word one. The bartender even put extra cherries in it for him. He wondered, idly if Justin would actually carry through with it. He picked Justin from the crowd, hip-to-hip with Chris. He was in an off period with Britney, and he was hiding in the booth with Chris. JC decided then and there he was going to grow his hair out, eventually. He wanted to be the pretty one with curls. He wondered how it felt, to peer out from underneath all that and see all those boys looking back. He wondered if Justin even registered the boys who looked.
Justin finally took a swallow of his drink, private party he could have anything he wanted, and sauntered in a way JC hadn’t seen. Deep slinking, until he was rolling himself into Lance’s lap. His head curled over Lance’s and he seemed to curve around Lance until the only thing JC could see was the undulations of Justin’s hips, and then Justin was kissing Lance full on the mouth and pulling away. It was aggressive and taunting and totally different from the coy thing Justin usually played. Justin was whispering in Lance’s ear, and his hand was pulling at Lance’s hair as Justin was moving away, deep rolls of the hip with every step.
JC knew how those hips felt, and suddenly he couldn’t see anymore, couldn’t look at Lance’s glazed expression or hear Chris’ encouraging catcalls. He had to stop himself from running, but he was somewhere just slower than that when he got to the elevator.
The cool of the mirror felt like ice against his face. He could feel the heat. His brain was railing at him. Justin was straight. Justin was just playing. Justin had begged to be like those other boys. Justin had been in his lap, years ago. JC had had his opportunity and blown it. JC had been too fucking moral again. Justin had been young then, too young. Justin had rolled against Lance’s lap. There was no way he hadn’t felt cock doing that. No way. No straight boy can roll his ass like that. What the fuck. He kissed Lance. On the mouth. And Lance knew his way around a boy. And Mr. Smooth was sitting there dazed and drooling when Justin was done with him. How long had that fucking dance been? The elevator doors opened and JC dragged himself to his room. Two three four tries before he managed to work the key. Moments before he had all the locks done.
He leaned against the back of the door, seeing Justin’s ass moving like that, his hips rolling like a pro, tasting cherry Chap Stick and butterscotch schnapps, and he imagined what it would be like to feel that now. He tore at his pants, he imagined it was Justin’s hand, Justin wrapping himself around JC’s cock, tight and fast, and pulling at him again and again until JC cried out his name and came. When he was lucid again, he could hear someone in the hall. He wondered if they heard him screaming Justin’s name. He listened but he couldn’t tell who it was. He whispered Justin’s name this time, and dragged himself to the bed to sleep.
Days later, Justin was back with Britney and merrily regaling JC with all the sordid details of their courtship. Not really all the details or even any, but JC could figure out when Justin asked if it was normal to for people to do this or that in bed. JC knew better than to ask too much, but he wanted to. He wanted to grill Justin. Or at least baste him in some kind of oil and roll him over and over again.
He couldn’t understand it. JC liked the big strong guys. They were usually dark and handsome and older. Rough chins and broad shoulders. Nothing at all like Justin. They were tops, straight acting tops who would topple when JC pushed at them. Justin didn’t fit the profile at all. Skinny and baby faced was never JC’s thing. JC wanted to be the baby, if anything. He wanted to be the one petted and cuddled. Justin was always the cosseted one.
JC felt insane. Everything Justin did, he translated into something sexual. He tried thinking of Justin’s age trying to get moralistic on himself, but that didn’t work at all, then he just felt guilty and still had a hard-on.
He tried finding little pseudo-Justins. Lance noticed. And worse, they didn’t work. They were all boring little bottoms, which JC found a way to get away from before the ice melted in his drink. Or they were frat boys who got mad when JC stuck his tongue down their throat. The ones that were into guys and were tops weren’t right either.
This one and that one were far too slutty. This one was too virginal. This one had too much ego and the one with the pretty blue eyes didn’t have enough. This one had the accent but none of the sweetness, while this one was all sweetness and none of the swagger. Lance started rating them over coffee in the morning. Pointing them out in clubs. It helped a little. Lance could pick a straight boy out at 50 yards, and the ones on the fence too. Those were fun.
JC finally gave in and was open to Lance about it. He didn’t tell him about the eager young one in his lap, but he talked about how Justin had become the focus of his imagination, and a distraction in reality. Lance suggested JC just tell Justin but JC would dismiss that idea out of hand every time he saw Justin giggling on the phone, voice low and quiet.
By the end of the tour, JC had it in hand. He would find a new boy; play with him for a week or two and than find a new one. Long enough to enjoy the newness, not quite long enough to start getting antsy and thinking of how much better the real thing would be. There were even a few girls in there.
It worked. They had a few weeks of practice before the next tour and they’d be good. Except by the time rehearsals happened Justin was shorn of his locks and the cutesy clothes seemed to be relegated to the stage only. It was quick at the Grammies. In practice, la la la, and out. JC saw the changes, and registered them, but didn’t really think about them. By the time they were sweating in rehearsals, Justin seemed completely different. He seemed serious about everything. JC chalked it up to fears about the tour, the whole performing for millions with millions of dollars riding on their asses, and the whole, how do you follow up NSA thing. But he liked watching it, definitely.
Then the Joey thing happened, blood and other things that just made JC faint. He didn’t like to think about it. Later, on the video set, he and Lance watched as Justin walked around in his little tank top.
“He’s gotten bigger” Lance commented, draining the last of his Starbucks mochasomething. JC eyed the shoulders. Had they been quite like that before? Nope definitely bigger. The director and Justin were discussing the tank tops, trying to decide between white and black. Justin peeled the black one off and went straight to the white, then back to the black.
“Definitely, bigger” JC had to agree. Had to try and find some rational thing to comment on, besides, I wonder how hard he could push me down on a hotel bed about now.
“Probably as hard as you want, cowboy,” Lance smirked at JC. Oh shit. He’d said the bed comment out-fucking-loud. Holy moly. “Keep your dick in your pants sweetie, MTV is here. And so is someone else.” Lance jerked a chin towards the Joeyfied Wade, watching Justin from off camera.
“The fuck does Wade have to do with it. Wade has to know I’m not straight.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean Wade knows you’re not straight for Justin.”
“So?”
“Sometimes, sometimes JC I swear you are the most oblivious man on the planet. Honey, please, look at Wade.”
“Ok.”
“No, look at where Wade is looking.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Nuh-uh, that’s not ‘Pop’ choreography in his mind.”
“They aren’t, noooo, no no no no no NO. I absolutely, they can’t, Justin wouldn’t, he isn’t”, JC started coughing. Lance not-so-gently took him back to the dressing room trailer, before JC’s paroxysms of disbelief and horror drew everyone’s attention. JC sat slacked mouthed, on the couch while Lance looked at him.
“JC, we need to have a conversation. And in this conversation, you will not faint, yell, hiss, or otherwise call the people outside this trailer into this trailer. Are we clear?” JC nodded. “Justin and Britney are off again right?” JC nodded. “And Wade and Justin have been hanging out right?” JC nodded. Started to say something, stopped. “Now I don’t know for positive, but my guess is they haven’t fucked yet.”
“Yet?”
“Well, unless someone steps in, or Britney shows up, I definitely think it’s a yet thing. Now gross as that may strike me or you, Justin’s never been known for his taste. I mean he likes you for god’s sakes.” Lance smiled and chuckled. JC thought he was supposed to be laughing too, but his brain was stuck on the “likes you” part.
“He likes me? Like, likes likes me?”
“Uh, hello? Yes.” JC started fanning himself with the magazine off the table. “No fainting JC! You cannot even tell me you didn’t know. The boy follows you around like a duckling, practically drools down the front of you every five seconds and you haven’t noticed?”
“No. You must be wrong.”
“$50 bet we walk out there and he knows you stepped off set.”
“I’m not betting money.” Lance dragged him from the trailer. JC still fanning himself with the magazine. When they got back into the studio set up area, Justin looked up at JC and smiled.
“White or black.” Justin held up both of them side by side. “I was waiting for you, because these people” he tossed his head towards the director, the stylist and Wade, “are just hopeless.”
“White” squeaked out, but only because JC was looking at Justin’s bare chest. JC looked away, only to see Lance laughing at him. Justin looked quizzically at Lance, smiled at JC and slipped the white tank on.
Lance promised quietly, to suss out what the hell was the Wade situation. The morning after he reported happily cock blocking Wade on the way home, jumping into the car with Justin and his PB & J and whisking him off to his own room for a night of deep thoughts. Over their mani-pedis Lance quietly told JC about Justin’s lack of interest, but appreciation for Wade’s interest. Apparently, Justin was open to the idea of exploring, but since JC didn’t want him, he just figured he’d find what he could. Wade was safe, and would keep it quiet. JC was trying to figure out the part about him.
“JC, am I losing you again? You need to stay with the conversation. And honey, she can’t file if you keep trying to pull away. What part did I lose you on? The part about how you don’t want Justin? Cause that’s the part where I had to hold it in. There he is, completely sure you have no interest in him in a sexual way at all, telling me how that’s what he’d want, if he could, but since you don’t want him… well yeah, he’s just gonna have to fuck someone else. I know. Our little boy has grown up to be a top, imagine that. I might just have to offer myself up for that.” JC finally reacted, knocking over the little dish he was soaking in, getting his new shirt completely drenched and causing the nail tech to freak out. They finally got it sorted out, including pulling Lance off the floor where he was chortling and generally mocking JC.
“Oh JC baby, you are so so so gone.” JC finally was able to smile at the situation. Smile, and plan.
They did nothing but shut Wade away from Justin. Lance made sure Justin was busy, and JC talked Wade’s ear off about possible minute hand gestures and foot placement. Wade ate it up though. By the time they got to Florida, JC felt he had some control over the situation. The concert went well, nothing too drastic to tend to, though JC was worried about the Velcro. Had to talk to Chris about that. He got to Justin during the party, asked him up to his room for after.
JC went to his room first. Took another shower. Made sure he had everything within easy reach, just in case. Soft, silky shirt, butter soft sweats. No. Too casual. Jeans. Check the room. Not too pimp palace, but everything ready. Sat in the right chair. Rehearsed what he was going to say. Waited. Woke to a soft knock on the door. He opened the door. Justin, freshly showered, soft t-shirt, and sweats. JC smiled. Brought Justin in. Sat him in a chair. Sat in his lap, the same way Justin had then. Kissed Justin in the same needy desperate way Justin had kissed him. Sat back.
The same immense blue eyes looking at him.
“What, what are you doing?”
“Kissing you.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve wanted to for years.”
“You have?”
“Yeah, I have.”
“Then why? Why didn’t you want me then?”
“I didn’t even know you remembered that. You were a baby then. A. just no. and B. I don’t want to date a baby.”
“I’m not a fucking baby.” Full on baby pout.
“I’ve noticed. But you were then. You aren’t now.” Justin’s face lit up when he finally grasped what JC was offering. His hands, which had been gripping the arms of the chair, slid until Justin was able to hold JC’s waist, fingertips touching across JC’s slender back, thumbs rubbing underneath JC’s shirt. He was looking at his hands, and to JC it looked like he was startled to find his hands there. Justin licked his lower lip, biting at it, then he brought his eyes to JC’s.
“I know what I want JC. I knew back then.”
“So take it, Justin. Take what you want.” Justin searched his eyes, trying to discern if he was just giving him shit or actually meant it. Something he saw must have been the right thing, because he kissed JC. There was a tentative moment at first, but when JC didn’t stop him, he tasted and kissed JC’s mouth until they were both breathing hard and finally pulled apart. JC wanted to drag him into the bed, but he didn’t want to rush Justin, didn’t want to scare him.
Justin didn’t wait to be dragged. He picked JC up, carried him to the bed. JC giggled when Justin put him down. Justin raised a brow, then laughed himself. He still pulled and pushed at JC’s shirt until he got it off. Pulled at his jeans until the button fly gave way. Pushed those off, the underwear with them. Tossed his own clothes to the side. JC smiled to himself. He’d expected Justin would be shy about being naked, but there was none of that. He could feel the heat rising off Justin’s skin. Justin leaned over him, propping his head on one hand, while he trailed the other up and down JC’s chest.
“I’m not sure what to do with you.” There wasn’t any fear in his voice, just uncertainty.
“Justin, you do whatever you want.” Again, that searching look, verifying JC wasn’t messing with him. Then he was licking JC’s jaw, and JC’s neck. His hand drifted along JC’s side, his thumb found the hollow in his hip and he followed the vee until his hand was wrapped around JC’s dick. JC tried not to jump, but he couldn’t help but move against Justin’s hand. Justin moaned under his breath, but he didn’t pull away, didn’t let go, he held JC there for a moment, then he did pull his hand away. JC panicked, until he realized Justin was bringing his hand up to his mouth. He watched transfixed as Justin licked his own hand and then put it back on JC’s cock. Then he didn’t just hold it. He moved his hand. It was tentative at first, big eyes watching JC for his reaction, and then going with what got the better reaction. When JC came, shuddering and railing against the quickness of it, he could hear Justin, “Don’t worry baby, there’ll be lots more times, lots more,” which just made him shudder more.
When JC found his sanity again, he also found Justin was really there. He didn’t dissipate into reality like he’d done every other time JC had imagined him there. He was there, twirling a piece of JC’s hair and looking at JC’s chest. JC watched him watching for a moment and then kissed him. Justin smiled at him.
JC reached for him, but Justin caught his hand and pulled it up to just on Justin’s hip instead. “I sleep best if you just, rub there a little bit. More tomorrow. I’m kind of… yeah. I just want… if it’s ok. Plus you, look at you. You’re already asleep. Shhh. Sleep JC, it’s ok, I’ll be here tomorrow.”