Josh Chasez sat in an armchair in the corner of the bedroom, sipping on a cup of hot tea and scribbling furiously in a journal. Occasionally he would glance toward the window as if expecting company, then he would go back to his writing. A pile of schoolbooks lay forgotten on the other side of the room on his desk. Fourth period English literature could wait. Josh had to get his thoughts down on paper before they tore him apart. They were dangerously close.
He sighed and wiped away a stray tear. There had been tears since the week before when he and Justin had been discovered. His parents had freaked out, but that had been expected. At least they had gotten over it quickly. What Josh didn’t expect was for Justin to completely abandon him. They had been. . .dating? No, dating implied a commitment. Josh had never gotten a commitment. He had however, gotten tormented since the day that Justin’s swimming coach had walked in on the two boys kissing in the locker room. Coach Parker had called Josh’s parents and informed them that their son had been forcing himself on other boys in the locker room. Justin had done or said nothing to dispel the coach’s thought. Josh was alone. At least he didn’t have to take P.E. anymore.
It wasn’t the first time they kissed, far from it in fact. They had been making out at the Timberlake house everyday after school for 6 months. Josh was Justin’s algebra tutor, he had to keep a decent grade point average to stay on the swim team. Josh loved that Justin was on the swim team, he love to feel Justin’s smooth legs rubbing with his much hairier ones. The night is wild, so calm and dull. These hearts they race with self control. Your legs are smooth as they graze mine, we’re doing fine, we’re doing nothing at all.
All of Justin’s friends suspected that he was dating someone, but they never knew who, or what sex. Josh heard them every once in a while in the hallway, ‘hey did you get some?’ He would hear Justin’s laugh directly following the words. Supplying his friends with the answer that they needed to survive. Josh followed him around like a puppy wanting table scraps. Any tidbit of attention that Justin decided to throw his way was quite welcome to him. Besides that, Justin didn’t seem to mind. He liked his moments with Josh just as much as Josh liked them.
Josh knew that he was in love with Justin and he was pretty sure that Justin felt the same way about him. Justin was just scared to admit it, he had so much to lose. He was so popular, and Josh wouldn’t expect him to give up all those friends just for him, but. Deep down, there was nothing that Josh wanted more. He wanted Justin’s friends to know about them. Their leader was a closet homo. The thought made Josh want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Josh knew that he was putting his happiness in someone’s hands other than his own and he hated it. He had always believed that he was in charge of his own destiny, but that changed as soon as he had met Justin Timberlake. Justin was his destiny. My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won’t you kill me so I die happy. Josh would gladly die for Justin’s kiss. He would remain lost in Justin for eternity if that was possible. Right at the moment, Josh would just be happy to hear from Justin.
Josh paused in his writing to look around the room again. Nothing had changed, it was the same as it was on that fateful day last week. Josh briefly wondered what would have happened if the coach hadn’t walked in the locker room at that moment. Would they have been caught doing something way more incriminating? Would they still have been kissing lazily, without a care in the world? Wiping away yet another tear, Josh wished that Justin would at least return his phone calls. Sniffling Josh turned once again to his journal.
It was barely two weeks ago when Justin’s parents had went to visit some obscure relative and had left him home alone. For two whole days. Josh was there both days of course. The words are hushed lets not get busted, just lay entwined here undiscovered. It was a wonderful weekend and Josh certainly didn’t want it to end. Justin was in full agreement with him. Words love were uttered and no one ran away. Josh wouldn’t ever forget the way the words formed on Justin’s lips.
A mere five days ago he had been happy. Five days ago he had been in love. Now sitting alone in his bedroom, Josh was still in love. He just doubted the strength of Justin’s love. The Monday before, they had skipped all of their afternoon classes and went back to Josh’s house. His parents were at work and they had all afternoon for their loving. There was no doubt in Josh’s mind that Justin was in love that day. Did being caught change that, or was Justin just scared to admit that he was in love with a man? Josh was very glad in the fact that he had always been ‘different’. Sure his folks were mad when they were told what their son was caught doing, but deep down they weren’t surprised. After a few days of freaking out, everything went back to normal around the Chasez household.
Josh’s head shot up quickly at tiny noise. It sounded like. . . a pebble hitting the window. He glanced over at the window and saw something hit it. Like a flash he was out of the chair and peering out of the glass. Justin was standing below with a handful of tiny rocks, one in his hand ready to fly at the window. Josh was down the stairs and out the back door before Justin even knew that he was seen.
Josh stopped a few feet away from his love. Justin wordlessly held out his hand to the other man and waited patiently for him to take it. Josh stared at the outstretched hand for mere seconds before clasping it tightly. Justin led him out of the yard and onto the sidewalk. The lovers walked in silence for a while before it was broken.
“I didn’t desert you. I didn’t want to desert you, but I had to think.” Justin brought Josh’s hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it gently, then he turned it over and kissed the palm.
“I know, well, I say that I know. I was worried. The last thing that I wanted to do was ruin anything for you. I would die before that happened.” Josh stopped so he could look at the other boy. “I’ve really missed you.” Then the tears returned and started to fall.
Justin gathered the weeping boy in his arms and made comforting noises. They stood in the middle of the sidewalk while Josh cried and Justin rocked him gently. The sobs gradually turned into sniffles, then finally stopped altogether. Justin brushed back Josh’s unruly curls and kissed his head.
“I love you so much Josh. You couldn’t ever ruin anything for me. Maybe people aren’t ready for a gay couple at school, but I really don’t care. I love you and I want everyone to know it.” Justin smiled at his boyfriend, who was still wiping his eyes.
“I love you too. It just scared me so bad that I had pushed you away. That I had made you do something that you didn’t want to do or that you were just playing me along. But really I knew better, I knew that you weren’t like that and that’s why I love you so much.” Josh kissed Justin’s smooth cheeks, then his lips. “Can we be together now, or do we still have to hide?”
Justin laughed and nuzzled Josh’s nose. “Silly, I don’t think that kissing on the sidewalk would be considered hiding. I told my parents that I’m gay. They aren’t too happy about it, but they guessed that I was seeing someone. They really weren’t surprised when I said that it was you.”
The pair walked and talked until dusk fell and it began to sprinkle lightly. Laughing they began running back toward Josh’s house, arriving at the stoop just before the sky opened up and poured. Josh leaned into Justin expecting a kiss. Putting his hands on his boyfriend’s waist, Justin leaned in and kissed Josh. He kissed him lovingly. He kissed him tenderly. But most of all he kissed him like he meant it.
Hands down this is the best day that I can ever remember. I’ll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in you fingers and the time on the clock when we realized it’s so late and this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it and I let you in. And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it. And I knew that you meant it.
*Phrases used from Dashboard Confessional’s Hands Down